Bob and the Horrid Viking

Travelling to Norway on an adventure holiday with huskies and snowmobiles through remote towns and Russian borders like some sort of secret agent 007 wana be, wasn’t what I had in mind when my wife said to me. “Guess what kind of holiday I booked?” Boy was I in for a surprise!
 
 Ok now I am not the most adventurous type of holiday taker. My idea of a good holiday was going to Malta and relaxing on a warm cosy beach soaking up the sun like a giant basking crocodile with the odd cheese cake, pasty and cold tin of Sprite to pass the time as I watch the kids burry each other and build castles with their 99p buckets and spades from the Tesco’s
 
 She handed me the broacher from the travel agents, I was expecting a nice few days in Oslo exploring the capital region's potpourri of sites: the centre of the modern city, Akershus Slott, a castle whose fortifications date from the 13th century and so on.
 
 What I got was an Arctic Discovery holiday with an image of a Giant glacier with crystal blue skies with perfect white blanketed mountains and a team of huskies, but fear had already taken its vice like grip on my brain and distorted the image to an icy grave yard with a team of drooling hell hounds being driven by a giant Viking breathing fire from his nostrils as he burnt down the small villages on his quest to revenge the death of his dearly departed pet gerbil called Vivian. Why I knew the name of the Gerbil is still beyond me.
 
 By now the wife had realised that I has lapsed into a frenzied state of pure panic dreading the thought if being eaten alive by a fire breathing Viking named Edger Sven Waltheof the Horrid. “Its going to fun sweet heart, trust me.” She said in a half hearted cant be bothered to deal with this big softy kind of way.
 
 As the weeks went on the dreaded holiday came closer and closer as though it was being lead by the Four Apocalyptic horsemen with a single purpose of bringing total fear to the pit of my stomach.

I mean who wants to go on a holiday in sub zero conditions with teams of flea bitten huskies with Giant Nordic men, eating a roasted pig leg while carrying a stone Oblix, making you feel about as small as a small thing with no legs.
 
 Christmas came and went. New Years came and went. I had picked a good amount of weight from all the turkey and roast beef and of course the millions of mince pies one has to yam down your next while drinking insane amounts of lacquers and cheap beers while trying to keep a straight face as you uncle makes a complete arse of himself by trying to dance on the table.
 
 Its time. January the 14th. The day we fly to Norway. The day I meet my maker. The day I face death himself and run away screaming. The Holiday !
 
 We board the plane mid-day and I must say I was pleasantly surprised at the length of time it took to get there from the UK. That was my first nice surprise and defiantly not the last one in store for me on this Adventure Holiday.
 
 Day 1: We arrive at Tromsc airport and are picked up by taxi as part of the whole package. Once again, nice surprise not having to stress about being picked or where your going next. Although I still have that knot in the pit of my stomach stressing about the whole Adventure part of this holiday. I keep thinking to my self, “give me sun shine and 30 degrees plus”. We arrive at the hotel and are told the rest of the day is free to see the city centre at our own leisure. I have had blinkers on since we left the air port expecting to be driven to a small desolate town with a broken down hut and an old lady called Inga at the desk asking if we wanted boiled cows snot or roasted pig tongue for tea. While she patted down the straw beds and pushed out the cattle from the room. Leaving a half melted bounty bar on the pillow because she had heard somewhere that the tourist form the UK liked room service and sweets on their pillows. (Must admit, she wouldn’t have been wrong there).

 
 Instead I was greeted instead by a delightful steward at the Radisson SAS hotel and handed a map of the area and told to enjoy my day.
 
 I walked out side hand in hand with my wife who had a smirk on her face because she know exactly what was going through my mind, to be greeted by a view of pure perfection. Perfect blue skies over a delightful arctic city, surrounded by giant glacier-carved mountain peaks. I wasn’t too sure if it was the crisp clean air or the sight that was in front of me, but it took my breath away.
 
 Later that day I was told that it was time to meet the team of huskies that was going to take us on an evening husky safari through the mountains. As you can imagine by now my I was on my third set of thermal underwear and down to the bone on the tips of my fingers. Visions of being lost in the wilds having to eat the poor huskies to survive in sub zero fjords while having to look out for the Abominable Snowman that was spotted by some toothless local yesterday as he walked his yak through the forest.
 
 Needless to say Edger the Horrible was actually a nice chap and spoke English and the hellhounds were cute well groomed Huskies waiting for us and happy to pull us through this amazing clear evening. Not long into the ride we saw a sight that I can only describe as completely mind numbing, we saw the phenomenon known as the northern lights. The colours and the size of the spectacle is just simply amazing and gives you a sense of peace as you sit there with your team of huskies and thermal gear on, thinking “Wow, this is exactly what they saw thousands of years ago.” Well to say the least it was a very peaceful and relaxing husky ride, although it was a bit demanding sometimes when you got to drive the huskies you’re self but was 100  well worth the effort.
 
 After that husky tour we were treated to some cake and coffee in a lavvo which I later found out was a traditional Sámi tent and then escorted back to your hotel where we spent the evening in a deep sleep.
 
 Day 2 : What could possibly top day one I thought, as we tucked into our breakfast. I looked across to the wife who knew all to well what today had in store for us, as she sat there eating her cereal with a grin on her face. I tried for at least 15 minutes to pry it out of her but all she would say is that it is going be good and I need to pack light.
 
 That afternoon we spent the day touring around the city and went on a cable car ride up the Storsteinen Mountain which once again had spectacular views, but I still didn’t know why we had packed a small suitcase as so far we hadn’t been too far from the hotel and she wasn’t giving anything away.
 
 Then she told me to drive to a port not too far off and there it was. We were going on a coastal cruse. I felt like a kid in a candy store and didn’t know which way to turn. My excitement was starting to get the better of me as I jumped up n down like a kid who has just been given an X box with all the trimmings for no reason what so ever.
 
 We got settled onboard packed our things into the cupboards and went for a walk on the deck. I almost wanted to do the cheesiest thing ever and go to the front of the boat with the wife and do the titanic scene with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet (you know the one I mean, don’t even pretend you haven’t seen the film)
 
 As the ship sailed north towards Honningsvåg the scenery took on a magical feel as night fell. We spent a romantic evening watching the coast line change colours as we sailed into the night.
 
 If you’re an early riser day 3 will give you a special start as you can watch the boat sail out of the harbour of Hammerfest, the northern most town in Europe, as you continue on your voyage to Honningsvåg.
 
 Once in port we took a bus ride to Europe’s most northern point, North Cape. We stood on a cliff face looking over the Atlantic Ocean with a 400 foot sheer drop into water and ice. Standing there you get the feeling you are standing at the end of the world as they would have thought thousands of years ago.
 
 I have never been so humbled in all my life. I had no idea this kind of place actually existed other than on telly. The sights the food the atmosphere and the whole feel that you are somewhere that hasn’t changed much in thousands of years is quiet inspiring.
 
 Day 4: Something wasn’t right. The wife was more excited than usual today. What on earth could be in store today? Hundreds of ideas were popping into my head some scary and some rather boring like a slow walk down to the local museum to see the history of cheese making. What amazed me was that the scary and dangerous ones were actually getting me excited too. What has she done to me,, I have become a monster !! I wanted more, I wanted adventure, I wanted it all!
 
 After breakfast we were greeted by a chap wearing a helmet. Confused, I followed them to a set of snowmobiles. Oh my god! Snowmobiles! I was excited and petrified at the same time, as the thought of whizzing through the mountains on a snowmobile took hold of me.
 
 The snowmobiles were easer than I thought to control and you get the hang of it very quickly. After a few miles we were greeted by another sight which ranks up there with Northern lights. It was a hotel made totally out of Ice and Snow. The Alta Ice Igloo. Complete amazement and awe as you see sculptures and rooms made out of nothing but ice.
 
 Day 4 would be our last day here in Norway as we went back to the hotel and chatted about the last 4 days events and sights. Thinking about heading home was a rather depressing thought but then the wife put another leaflet in front of me.
 
 Oh dear. It was an African Safari Adventure Tour. I felt the hair on the back of my near stand up as thoughts of man eating lions and monstrous elephants crushing your tent as you sat there wafting away the mosquitoes and other weird insects awaiting us.
 
 Oh boy! I can’t wait! Bring on the Adventures!
 
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 About The Author
 
 Bob Harding writes about his holidays and adds a bit of spice to his stories, as you do.